It was the fear of missing out, the famous FOMO but in a not so famous disguise. This crisis would come to an end, eventually, and I could see myself being the only one (yes, the only one in the whole wide world) not having used it for something better, something greater, something at least useful. All this well-meant advice was springing around me in articles, posts, even the nine o’clock news. Use the time for an inner journey, read a book, write a letter, sew some masks, sow some seeds, stare out of the window. Learn a new language, meditate, start an online course, help in the neighbourhood, put a structure in your life, join a virtual gym, join a virtual dinner. All I could do? Read the numbers and read them again.
A state of numbness is the best way I can describe it, that month of April with an unforgettable Easter, well in my case two, as the Catholic and Orthodox Easter were one week apart in this Corona year. Being a practicing atheist I did not mind missing out on any church celebrations, I would not have attended anyway. I did mind though not having a traditional Sunday lunch, with lots of friends, food, wine and conversation. I was missing seeing more than one friend at the time. I was missing stimulating conversations with more than two points of view. While my intellect was craving them, my time management was actually demanding them. Time was becoming scarce these days and I could not understand why. Everyone around me seemed to have heaps of it while profiting from the new home office schedule. To me working from home was nothing new. I was putting it to good use for the last 10 months now, no need for a virus to dictate it. Still I had less time and the only reason I could pinpoint this to, was all the one-to-one encounters I was having precisely because everyone had more time. Time they are using wisely FOMO was whispering again and again into my ear. Well, that means that meeting with me is a wise activity I would reply rather cockily back to myself.
Numbness and FOMO are not good companions in times of isolation. Actually they are no good companions, full stop. It is funny really as these two feelings stand directly in contradiction! You do not think so? Well, hear me out: Numbness creeps into your body when you have been still for too long. Apathetic. When you allow the outside world take control of your physical being, while you are just being a passive observer. You feel the little needles taking over your legs, your hands but it really gets scary when they arrive to your mind. Pink Floyd makes an appearance blasting Comfortably Numb into your head and you sit there pretending to yourself… you are ok. Until FOMO makes its appearance. They state of numbness is forgotten for a moment and you enter the active world of comparison. It takes some effort as you need to search in your mind for good examples of people – friends and strangers alike – who are doing better than yourself. You dive into the social media of your choice and read all the wonderful ideas people have, exciting lives they live and beautiful pictures they take. And there is you, doing nothing other than actively comparing. It hurts for a while until you withdraw again to the passive stage of checking the numbers, watching the news and living on without really being alive.
I could blame the social media for this absurd state of fear of missing out intertwined with doing nothing about it. To a certain extent I would be right, too. The actual culprit though is not Facebook or Instagram, not even the internet as a whole. These little gadgets just make it easier, faster and indeed, more visual. The actual culprit is comparison. Humans, we have this incredible ability to always compare ourselves with the better, with what we do not have but want. And we do it constantly, male and female species alike, some 200 years ago or in the 21st century. It is a very helpful trait to have when you want to achieve something – it is a terrible trait to have when it happens in a void. Coming up with an example is difficult, as I want to find something that you all would relate to, however universal wishes do not exist. So instead I am choosing the wish of a child, who wants to become a ballet dancer. The child will compare itself with adult dancers, will look for routines it could follow, teachers and role models to look up to. The child will put the hours in, follow a specific diet, lose friends and playtime over its love to ballet. It will continue comparing itself in search of improvements, changes, successes. Then the child will become an adult and a good ballet dancer, too! Nonchalantly she will scroll through the news and posts in the internet and come across the story of her childhood friend from ballet class who became this incredible famous movie star. She will compare their two careers, looks and fame. She will feel mistreated by the universe and blame this on her bad luck. She will feel a pain in the stomach area telling her she was not as worthy, as successful, as loveable. She will totally have forgotten that she never wanted to be a movie star in the first place. If she is lucky she will remember though and align herself with the world again.
That is why there is only one person you should compare yourself with and that is yourself. With your very own dreams, goals and wishes!
